LifeSometimes i wonder if everything is really fair in this world. Why are some of us made to face so many trials and tribulations while others just have it easy?
My friends find comfort in me coz i had been through quite a lot. Be it relationships, friendships, family, etc etc etc. As long as you can name your problem, i will most probably be able to empatise with you and understand what you are going through. But right now, i am feeling so so tired and worn out that i don't wish to be 'Aunty Anne' any more. From a young age when everyone at that pt of time should be having fun, chasing idols, fantasizing of a life impossible, i am to learn how to depend on myself, how to protect myself, how to be strong for myself and the people around me. People tell me that i should be proud that i learn all these when i am young. But the fact is, i am not. I just wanna be like everyone else. Why should i be the one who has to face all these? Everyone tells me that they make me do certain things for my own good. But they are not me. How do they know? Just because they might have gone through it? Even in the labs when tests are done under controlled situations, you might not get the same reaction every time. What more when every single human being is different? Sometimes, i am convinced that i've to go through so much is because maybe someone up there is saying that i am not supposed to be here in the first place..that it was his mistake...or is life so boring for him that he has to watch me fall with every other step i take? Making my life a huge joke. Why won't i just die?!!! JUST LET ME DIE!!!! LET ME DIE!!!!
To all who are reading this and who know me, if my heart ever stops, tell the paramedics or first aiders that i am NOT to be revived. Just let me go. Take pity on me, please. I love all of you but i am tired of my life. Try to understand. I know a few of you will be angry with me, especially one, but i just wanna keep those happy times with me forever and not let them turn into anguish. I have enough anguish to last me three life times..*laughs* Forgive me..
-iWrote 7/27/2006 07:00:00 PM
Change?Sometimes one wonder about how another can be capable of loving when there is hate within. I use to ponder about that question and toy with the idea (of loving when there is hate). Now, i am starting to confuse myself. Everything has gone into this huge grey area. Am i thinking too much? Are my questions unnecessary? Am i writing scripts for others before anything has a chance to happen? What exactly are my fears? What exactly am i trying to do or prove? What happens next when one voices out their feelings? Are things going to change? Are people going to stop being critical?
I am not as simple minded as i seem to be. Nor am i as carefree as others think me to be. In fact, i am afraid of what others think of me. If i may compare myself to an animal, i feel like a porcupine. Protecting myself with sharp words and plans on how to step all over those that i feel are a threat to me. Mostly, i plan to crush them all with money. Show them that i have the ability and is not inferior to them (in any aspect) if not well surpassing them.
I love my job, my family, my pets, my dear dear, and my friends. But i conceal such hatred that i feel it engulfing me. Day by day, it grows in me. Fed by others' criticism and by my own self-reprimanding personality. Now, is it really possible for me to love when i hate myself so much?
Others say that i have changed. But have they realised that they had changed me with their critical personality? That every negative remark they make, is feeding my self hatred? They blame me for my change. But it is only human to see others' faults and blame them for it than to see our own and blame ourselves. Then again, who in this world would blame themselves for anything?
-iWrote 7/23/2006 07:07:00 PM
